Back in Braun

Holy fuck!  I just found out today that the ban that had been imposed upon myself and my friends(yeah bitch I got friends),  like a fucking  embargo strewn upon the people of Cuba, was apparently lifted due to the lack of care or possibly forgetfulness on someone's part. I returned to my homeland only to find that, as with all things in SL , things have changed.

  The first thing I noticed was that my wall had been removed or  stolen, conspiracy theories still loom in my mind. To make lemonade from the lemons of other's bitterness, I surveyed the area, located the old space  from which my wall sat, and reconstructed a makeshift placebo for the time being,. I needed a place to sit , simply because the next thing I did required me to take it easy for a moment while carefully placing my patented BRB Brace onto an unsuspecting as well as unaware noob with a very nasty gay man's blingy watch. I mean you tell me, that shit is way too shiny. I had to shoo the birds away from him that were pecking at his wrist. Its a thankless job but I did take a moment to pose for a photo opportunity. Anyway, yes I am back bitches , I am Braunworth, I am your only hope. So help me , to help you, you inconsiderate fucks.

About.Me & My First Entry of 2014

 Yeah mother fuckers I'm back and I am good and pissed off and ready to throw down. So I figured out a new way to infiltrate the real world , check this shit out...there's a site called about.me and it's full of real fake fuckers, and even fake fake ones,  just like you. Man I still hate all of you.

 Anyway, so I signed up, and got me a lil place in the real world (outside of the matrix) where I can  talk smack and click sterile , happy go lucky Like buttons and shit. I am going to lobby for some dislike as well as some click options such as "Go fuck your mother" or " Thinks you're a fucking moron."  Seriously, what  a better way to really let someone know how you feel.

 It's pretty fucking stupid really, reminds me of all of you. I have seen some of you dipshits on there too, don't think I don't know where you go. Don't act all unknowing or coy...and don't act stupid, I know its not an act.

 Anyway, I am done with this post for the night, I don't even have a pic for my blog post, fuck hold on let me get something together for you, my one faithful reader.

Meeroos VS. Fennux

 Let me start by saying that yes reader, once again, I know what you're thinking. What the fuck is a meeroo and why are you pitting it against  something else  called a fennux which also begs the question, what the fuck???!

 To clear up  confusion and bring you all up to date, I did a  wide spectrum analysis of everything from  interviewing breeders as well as those who raise them to fight,  as well as a BlindMelon taste test of the two different  'creatures'.

MEEROOS:

 In an interview with one breeder, who has asked to remain anonymous, which I can completely understand why, I was informed  that they come in all shapes and sizes, colors and genetic makeup.

 There are roughly 12 different  variations of this species, which includes Limited Edition/Nocturnal meeroos. (Yeah I know  I'm still thinking what the fuck??!!! too) They have 5 different types of head, ( I once knew a Malaysian hooker that  had 5  different types of head) , 9 different  tails, and 9 different  ears.

They make some fucked up sounds, I can't even describe them except to say maybe  they are close to the sound of any given  character in an anime cartoon.

They eat 3 different types of food , depending on the breed. If you feed them the wrong thing, they will eventually run away from you  and try their luck elsewhere.  You can't starve them to death, I know I tried without any luck.

 There is actually a market for buying and selling these things oddly enough.  I for one would not own one simply because I would more than likely do one of two things with it and I don't feel I need to  elaborate on this.


FENNUX:

 There are  6 breeds of this 'creature' resulting from  the fact that they are from 6 different regions. With these 6  different  breeds there are subcategory  variations of each breed for a total of 18 different styles of this 'creature'. 

Yes, you didn't know I  could do  math did you?

 They may or may not make sounds , I didn't wanna wait around to see if the little fuckers would  scream when I squeezed their little heads. I had shit to do.

 These  little bastards are quite simple in their diet as they all eat the same food, kibble,  which makes them a much more appealing pet for  someone like myself , as I really don't give a fuck if they eat, sleep, walk, talk, come, stay , lay , or pray.

 OK, now for some interesting shit. These little bastards will fight each other! One more thumbs up in the Melon points system.

__________________________________________________________________________________

 Both of these 'creatures' will dig  holes all over your backyard so watch out if you have already hidden a body or anything. Trinkets, treasures, recipes for crafting and pro-creating more of the little bastards. Is there no end to this madness???

Now for the real  test of which  pet is the way to go....the Blind Melon taste test.

 

 It took me a while to catch one, and I must say the thrill of the chase was not really worth it when I  licked either of them. The  topical flavor of the  fennux was  quite earthy, a bit  gamey, and honestly outside of being a little fighter and low maintenance, this little furball lost major points for not tasting like chicken.

 After the field test of the fennux, I took a different path with the Meeroo and actually cooked the little  bastard. It was a tough call on which variety to try, but I went with my favorite flavor, purple.

The meeroo was a combination of  light hints of bacon, a  slight  detection of a toilet mint, but that may have only been something that was caught in my teeth that dislodged itself while allowing my sensitive palate to  enjoy the different aromatic blends and complex flavors of this dish. If you asked me to recommend a wine that would compliment this entree I would tell you to take your  stupid fucking questions and get out of my face before I give you something to whine about, everyone knows that you can only drink beer or cognac with a meeroo on a stick....fucking bushwa pretentious assholes.

 Diet Pepsi is also acceptable if you do not have any beer, or if you are drunk already and have to drive the kids to school.

 In closing, I would not recommend either of these things as a pet. They really aren't for eating either. I do not see them having a purposeful existence on any level. But hey, if you got money to waste on stupid shit and you need companionship, go for it.

Or just get a freakin hooker you lonely bastards!

  Special thanks to Carmilla Vlodovic for her  vast knowledge of  meeroos, fennux, and cooking temperatures and times for  meeroos so that I did not  get some kind of  trichinosis, rash, or sexually transmitted disease....what????

2012 My Final Entry... Pun Intended

Another year coming to a close already.Seems like it was only yesterday that I had duped my first noob. Tempest fugit bitches!

 So after much debate, I decided upon this story to bring 2012 to a close. A bit  less abrasive than most of my past observations and yet enough Melon to keep it interesting.

 We sat together, watching the sun set, the golden beams of warm light shimmering against the rippling waters of the fountain. I could sense she was a bit uneasy and I tried to put her mind at ease in the only way I knew how.

 I held her hand, smiled kindly as I gazed into her eyes and told her the story of the first time that I happened to find this beautiful and unique place.

" It was a dark and foggy night, and in the distance I could only just make out the silhouette of the fountain as I moved in for a closer look.  The closer I got, I began to realize that this was something more than just a fountain. I smiled with delight for indeed, clever me, this was a shrine! Yes! A shrine to my sombrero placed here by the simple people of this land! Hail Melon!
 
 But as the sun began to rise, and the fog burned away, I had  to rub my eyes as I came to the realization that I was only half right in my brilliant deduction. This was indeed a shrine. This was however, not a shrine to my incredible sombrero.
 
 It was merely,  just another shrine to my incredible penis.... "

  She looked at me, her eyes studying my face carefully for clues. Apparently, my face was telling her all she needed to know. She pulled her hand away from mine and slapped me. She called me self-absorbed, she called me delusional, she called me narcissistic, and a fucking liar. I think she knew it was turning me on though and it didn't stop there. Yeah, it was turning her on too. She called me 'gostoso' and slapped me again. She knocked my sombrero to the ground. That said to me only one thing.

That's right bitches.... it was go time!

  God damn the things we did on that bench! The thing we did TO that bench! It was a writhing, twisted, deviant  mess of pleasure and agony, assholes and elbows, wooden slats and wrought iron. We took turns wearing the sombrero, slapping  and choking the shit out of each other. I rodeo fucked her  and she donkey punched me. Had I met my sexual match?!  I was about to give her an Abraham Lincoln and shout out "Sic Semper Tyrannis!", but I remembered I had recently lost all my pubic hair in a bizarre gardening accident. Let's save that story for another time though...

 It was like a dream come true! Never would I have imagined being able to give someone the shocker, the rocker, and the Spocker all in one session without being brought up on charges. What a woman! What a sexy shameless bitch!  I don't think I have ever known the emotion that is love, but when she did that thing with her tongue....OIE!!!!

 Later, when the sun had finally disappeared, and the cover of  darkness blanketed us, we buried the remains of that broken, sticky, perverted park bench and all of the secrets it could never tell anyone along with it.

                                                                 THE END

 See you bitches in 2013 when I'm done picking the bench splinters out of my ass.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Fan Base +1

   Sometimes I like to get out and  visit places all over the  grid. You can find a plethora of nimrods, dickwads, derelicts, dipshits, asslicks, whores, misfits, and catholics if you just know which rocks to look under. 

 Yesterday I was in some shit hole simulator called ....????....fuck if I can even recall now,  that's how interesting and memorable it was. I remember there was a dancing robot, some English women speaking all posh n shit, some transsexual with an assault rifle, a guy with a foot fetish who looked like he was 3rd runner up in the Slash Look Alike  contest, some random noobs speaking Spanish, and then there was this guy:

 Never have I seen the Melon shirt worn in such a midriff fashion, but hey at least this cat knows quality clothing when he gets it. I'm not sure but from what I understood he plays SL by linking together old PCs, 2 turntables and a Mr Microphone, an Atari 2600, an Afro blow out kit wrapped in aluminum foil and doesn't like Windows 7 cause he has compatibility issues......ahem.

 But again, at least he had the the courtesy to wear the shirt with pride, and a little revealing shot of some navel lint. I don't just give out the Melon shirt to  have it sit in your inventory folks.

 Treat it like I treat your mothers: Get it on and wear that  shit out!

More AFK Shots

They never learn, I try to tell them and they do it anyway. I  remember this one well. I was right in the middle of complimenting this noob on her smart  looking Hillary Clinton  pseudo-lesbo pants suit when she suddenly nodded off like a fucking heroin addict! How fucking rude, right?!

 

 This gave me a great idea for a new tool design, the ergonomic  BRB Brace. After a long period of time , that slumped over look has got to get painful. The BRB Brace is not  yet in production as  I am still working on the name for my product, and if anyone out there has a  better name for it, please feel free to share it in the comments section.  The Flying Buttress, or Flying Buttkiss are not allowed as I have already given rights to those names to the last two gay wrestlers i met in SL.

 And you thought it was a figure of speech when  I told you bitches to brace yourselves!

Adults with Kid Avatars in Second Life

  Now let me start by saying I am all for equal opportunity. I don't care what your religion is, unless you're peddling Jehovah at my front door and making a god damn nuisance of yourself. I don't care what your sexual preferences are, unless you're crying that it hurts and you're killing the magic moment. I don't care what color your skin is, unless you are playing some fucking race card which has no fucking place in Second Life, or if your skin says demo all over it in which case there is no fucking help for you at the moment. I don't care if you want to be a furry little animal, a fat blue guy in a diaper, a robot, a vampire or flaming homo ( yeah redundant, I know), a douche bag or anything else I've not listed here.

 Which brings me to my next topic of discussion: Adults who pretend to be children in SL

 Now, anyone who knows me is aware that circus midgets weird me out. I can deal with this  problem on my own though. But when I've got some fucking  60+ years old guy playing the  part of a child,  getting on the microphone telling me to watch out, threatening me with his alt, oh yes and  bragging about his SL 'daddy'....really?... then wanting me to live up to his expectations of his supposed Terms of Service  agreement for kid avatars..again, really?...What do you suppose is going to happen to this pedophile? OK so maybe he isn't a pedophile in the making, maybe his ass is only a victim to his  'daddy' who is probably a pedophile. Maybe they merely play a simple  harmless game of  "change my poopy diaper, I've soiled myself!" 

 They say weed is a gateway drug. I believe this is a gateway to  perversion and  a possible Amber Alert. Just my opinion, take it for what it's worth, which may not be worth a shit. I accept being incorrect, especially politically and socially.

 Yes,  I am only speculating  the sexual interactions these two may or may not have, but hey, don't fuck with me if you don't want to be my victim too.

 Above we see the little troublemaker highlighted in red, all others in this picture are innocent and some pixels have been changed to protect them. Here we see the little bastard calling me names, threatening me with some crap about what a bad ass he was, to which I had to ask why he was in an adult place, especially since his 'daddy' owns a sim.  I was too busy laughing at this and telling others to be careful  that he may attack their ankles and knees to take pics myself , but luckily there were some other  photographers around to capture  this for me. A special thanks to Havva for these delightful shots.

 Oh I tried so hard to protect people's identities  in this shot here, but apparently I hit the highlighter selection on someone.  Damn!  Luckily for me, it was the little bastard's alt who came back to show me his griefer tools he bought with his sugar daddy's money. I've seen  less theatrics at a fucking baptist evangelical snake handling church. He really got pissed off that he couldn't do anything to me. It wasn't for lack of trying either. I gotta give the little cock sucker credit  for the effort. He must have tried 4 different  things before I rezzed a physical prim and started shoving him around like a bully on the playground, to which of course he then ran away. Yeah punk, I'll make ya famous.

His Useless Griefer Tools: $10,000 L
My Useful Physical Prim: $0 L
Watching Him Go Cry to Daddy: Priceless

Footnote: Did they stop making shirts in SL, or does every guy just dress like a gay wrestler here now? 

*not that there's anything wrong with that*

AFK,??

 Most of you dumbasses know the term AFK as a lazy approach to let someone know you are going to be 'away from keyboard'. Yeah thanks for the warning, oh by the way here's a nother sample of why you should probably not go AFK around me, as I like to incite my favorite self fabricated game of  AFK = AFU,  All Fucked Up!



You guys like magic? Well watch me levitate this board and balance this mug of beer atop this lovely volunteer's head! I remember her name was Trinity cause when she said it the vibration tickled me. She never spilled a drop of my beer. Bless her.




Now this one here...double damage...AFK, and sitting on my favorite wall spot. She got the full on Melon treatment...noob cowboy hat, and the matching smeared on Burt Reynolds mustache. Or as I like to call my signature move, Stinky and the Bandit.

I'll be back with more of these treasures later. My schedule is so full these days, and I have to go check my noob traps and see if I've caught anything to play with tonight. See ya noobs!

 

Exploiting the Shameless

 What a clusterfuck of  noobs and numbnuts I have had the pleasure of being a mentor and role model to over the years. My photo album is so full of  nostalgic memories, some that still make me smile and others that make me dry heave,  I don't even know where to start....how about we just dig in and start pasting them randomly every week, until the one of your mom gets posted then it's not fun for you anymore.  Come on now buck up little camper....it's not like she was a virgin and just remember it was purely sexual, feel better now?

 Simple times, simple crimes...hanging out at the money tree in Braunworth honing my snakeoil  shim sham skills handing out my latest Build version of my SL Banana 2.0 , the must have item that the user must wear in order to collect the money from the counterfiet fruits I placed in the tree. Noobs are such easy prey.

Note the dapper bastard in the background on his favorite  wall seat.

 

I do believe it was David Lee Roth who once said, and I quote, " C-mon-mon-mon-mon-mon ba-bay, Bottoms Up!"   Is it wrong that I can't remember her name?

 

 

 

 

Ridin dirty..another nameless victim...check out my rims bitches! Oh yeah and they spinnin!

 

Stay tuned....More from the blackmail files tomorrow!

 

 

 

Often Imitated, Never Replicated

 I know what you're thinking reader, oh yes I do. Something vicious and outlandish perhaps? Or possibly something subtle,  maybe a heartfelt " Who the fuck would wanna look like you, Blind Melon?!"  Yes it's true, we mock what we do not understand.

 Every now and then I get a fan mail filled with kudos for a job well done, someone who appreciates all I do for you ungrateful bitches. Straight from the Melon mailbox, here's one  from a young man who decided to go out for Halloween as his favorite Second Life super hero.....me!


                                                                            ME

                                                                
                                                                      NOT ME

        
                                I know, the resemblance, it's downright fucking scary, right?!
  
  I believe it was me who once was quoted as saying, "Exploitation is truly the highest form of flattery." Which oddly enough, is a perfect segue into my next post....Exploiting The Shameless.



Melon Time



20 minutes early or 40 minutes late, I couldn't give a shit either way.

I haven't been on SL for a while now so I am in the process of bringing you the blog reader, up to date on where I have been, what I have done, and what sins I have to

confess/ brag about.

Some things you may not know about me, I wear signature Blind Melon custom designed socks, made by Gwen Matthews over at KittyMare Creations in the sim of Hydes on SL, They are tailored to my specs, all the right padding in all the right places. Steel toes reinforce and prevent my talon-like toenails from poking through and scratching some lucky lady. I do to this day give credit where credit is due, my socks are my greatest weapon and wingman ever. Without them I would just be another random loud mouthed dipshit in Second Life. Viva la socks!

Shoes are for pussies.

Don't be a pussy.

Get some socks.

Nuff said.

A Little Bit About Myself (Disclaimer/ Warning Label)

Where should I start this...?

  I always wanted to create a blog, for several reasons. Mostly to post photographs of the horrible things I have done, continue to do, and plan on doing. I do not care if I get my spelling wrong, if I am lacking any correct punctuation, or if you, the reader, are even aware of my literary prowess. I would advise that you, the reader, never take me too seriously and above all never take me as anything but a complete asshole who really doesn't give a fuck about you or your feelings and sensitivity levels.

  If you suffer from a lack of tough skin , if  bad  words hurt your little feelings, if your mind can't wrap itself around the ideas and humor I throw your way, then maybe you should bail now. This blog is only for people who can take a joke, smile about the misfortune of us all, the general population, and laugh about the light I shine on  the things and people of this world who have become nothing short of walking, talking vaginas who are themselves always on high alert of making sure to not start saying or doing anything that might be taken as a kick in the pussy to someone else....

 Now that we have that out of the way.....let's get to the good stuff.

 My name is Blind Melon Dobropan, no I did not stutter. No I did not get my name from that lame ass fucking band , whose singer did the world a favor by removing himself from the dregs of 'musicianship'. Sadly he didn't take the bee girl with him.  I took my name from the same place they did though, and I will pay tribute to Cheech and Chong for use of their skit character with the same name of  the great Blind Melon (Chitlin).

  I am not part of your world, though I have chosen to cross over from the world of pixels into the world of flesh and bone as a digital representation of days gone by, when times were simpler and you could call people names and beat your kids still. No, instead I was born as an alternate character account on a virtual reality community called Second Life. If you don't know SL, and you fall into any of the disclaimer categories from above,  I would strongly advise to stay away from it. It's full of people just like myself. Well, almost...as I am their god. I do prefer the term 'earthbound deity' though.

 I began as a social experiment, brainchild of my creator (my other account), to see if being as hideously ugly as  I could possibly make my avatar, would I still be able to gain the audience and attention of random women in SL.  They say that looks don't mean anything....well they were right. I have been quite the ladies man over the years, which is amazing as I don't even own a penis.

I will however,  always show you my creative side and fashion a pseudo-cock from some prims for you like its a balloon animal and prim fuck  you....ladies, heads up!

 For more about 'prims' and 'primitives', go read the fucking Wiki on Second Life or  3-D object creation, I aint got time to tell you everything, bitches!

 

   A picture is worth a thousand words. This one only needs 6. Incidentally,  this picture doubles as the official BlindMelon Dobropan T-shirt template for Second Life. Right click to Save and wear at your own risk. Be sure to sign up for the Fans of Blind Melon Dobropan Club group in SL as well.


  More  coming soon so be advised....brace yourselves bitches!